But my partner punishes me emotionally when I eat unhealthy food and dont exercise just sounds really bad out of context. And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. Harville Hendrix has some good insights as to why we pick partners who embody what we needed but didnt get as children from our parents, and how to move toward resolving those issues. Hell yes! I noticed that when I bicycle up hills, a lot of times whatever upset me that day/week/month will start to replay at fever pitch inside my head. And should usually comes from a not so great place. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. 3. Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. I feel bad about the situation, but deep down, Im also wondering if I have a chance to be her rebound. He doesnt seem to be enjoying himself around you anymore now. I think your bf is in love with the idea of the person he wants to make you into, the person he wants you to look and act like in other words, hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! I hope what the various letter writers get out of this sort of advice is perhaps support that what feels uncomfortable and off to them in a way that's hard to describe is actually terrible no good behaviour. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. I was in a controlling relationship (where I had recurrent depression) and it took being away from my partner for 3 months (he left the country to visit family) to feel the intense relief and lift of stress and realize that the main problem was actually him. Stop trying to control your partner. Theres no discussion or debate or simply respect for holding different views; he simply insulted your view in a way that seems designed to shut you up. have your own lives outside of each other. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. In some cases, thats true. He wanted me to try a sip of his tea. He dropped out of college to focus on being a sound cloud rapper. Your boyfriend doesn't understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. Gastrointestinal distress. And because he had explained all this, if I wasnt working out enough, he didnt feel heard.. What places in the city do you love going to most? These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. Ive been gone for a week, and Im not going to believe you if you tell me you ate healthy isnt about keeping score at all. If this IS the case, he does mean well, but hes going about things all wrong. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. He may have had his fun with you, but now he is ready to move on. Its okay to leave. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. Invoking logic by name in a discussion. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. Again, fine line. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. He wouldnt criticize you and dismiss your choices as being inferiorhed show a genuine interest in the improvements you are making for yourself and be supportive of them instead of tacking on a bunch of additional repairs that would suit his (personal, clearly individual) view of How His Life Would Be Better If You Would Just Upgrade Already. 3) when I said, I walked for twenty minutes today! So few people seem to get this. but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. Hell yeah! You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) One person I dated who trampled all over my boundaries and was generally terrible would tell me that he was challenging me and that it was good to be a relationship with someone who.trampled all over your boundaries? Well. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. All of the Captains response has me leaping up saying Yes! because I so agree. Apologise, and never say that to me again. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. I think thats a great suggestion. People who get controlling about appearance are the pits. "And if . Totally. Think hard and make plans. Why do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner? In some cases, he may have forgotten how strong your connection was. Hlepy is a word I learned over at Making Light. ", But It is indeed hard. You know what they do respond to? But Im definitely not saying you need to DTMF right away. When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. And you dont either, no matter what your boyfriend says. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! My thoughts are with you, LW! If you have the energy and inclination to push yourself, get on with your bad self, but thats extra credit. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. ! I dont want to invalidate anyone who found exercise very helpful in getting better, but the reason depressed people find people constantly mentioning exercise so wearing is it honestly doesnt work for everyone. I know it's hard - especially when you love a guy who keeps pushing you away - but it's crucial to loosen your grip. Make sure his action matches whatever he tells you. Nevermind the fact that none of my friends were actually offended at all, he just couldnt admit that he had a problem with something I had said. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. But, don't nag him. Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. Thank you for the link. Its a very belittling thing to say. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. Its tough, but so are you, and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your skin. Its also a thing that gets easier once youve done it. managed to pollute both the minds and the bodies of the American people, but he meant well. He blocks me and ignores me. What then should you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. ! and but Ive been running for 40 minutes 3-5 times a week for months and I dont feel *any* better (in fact, in many ways I feel *worse*), what is WRONG with me? It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). Bliss. Whether its work, school, friends, or something else entirely that is causing him so much stress and concern that he cant even find the time to put in at least some kind of minimal effort for his girlfriend, put yourself in his shoes and be understanding. Then reluctantly, because I was learning my own tastes, and Im not fond of tea in any of its many flavors. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). And really, your joy is important. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. When I started to develop some self-confidence! Like the Capn says, you are healing, so getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you should be. When I have the house to myself for a few days, I like to use some of the time for cooking experiments. That makes me so angry on your behalf. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. What causes these fights in the first place? I dont think all relationships that arent in it for better or for worse and in sickness or in health are bad, but I do think that makes it a more casual relationship and one you shouldnt rely on. And if you have depression??? But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. craniest, let me take this opportunity to say yay you for doing X! Ive had a major depressive disorder for most of my life, I *know* how damn hard it can be to just do X, and Im so sorry that the person in your life is being an unhelpful, unsupportive jerkass. Constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off why I... 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