Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. At best, a season and a half. The timeline seems off here. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. It is what they like to do. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. Its called enmeshment. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Summer and fall is half the year. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. I married an apron-strings boy like that. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. ReginaRey I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. "I Tell him youre staying home this weekend. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. In my experience, though, it seldom works. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. 2. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. GatorGirl Its over the top. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Parents get old and die. demoiselle If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. its a really exciting time for your relationship! You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. GatorGirl But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. I am afraid for humanity. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. , silver_dragon_girl If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. It doesnt scream big problem to me. They are content with the status quo. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Not youre wrong and you have to change. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. ForeverYoung Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. You accept him as he is or you leave. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. But Ill tell you what. ReginaRey Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. LW real advice. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Bike riding? What way would you not want it to be? Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth That an entire day together isnt enough? January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Its just simple, smart, communication! Different strokes for different folks. Tax Geek LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. What about visiting your parents? Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Bklyn Grl She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! However, I think the I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. But she doesnt seem to mind it. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. I think its also different when it isnt your family. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. lets_be_honest Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! Problem I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. She should say something about it to the BF at least. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Really? Pronouns made that a little less clear. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. definitely not enough information here. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. Or I used to. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. lets_be_honest Yes, this. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. artsielady. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Hes going to choose you. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? And he was a bore. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Laura Hope For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Also, make plans with friends. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. ReginaRey Yeah.. I give up. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. Yes. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. YES! If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) The little things like who is taking the garbage out? I hate having family stay over at our house. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. And next weekend. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. Which is totally fine for you. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? ele4phant Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Im torn. I agree that it is dysfunctional. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Weekends with his family you, him, so he has chosen to more..., nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s still had to date and. Weekend with her boyfriends family you will an appendage to his parents to forget and bad... Think you should do my own thing anyway husband wants to spend every weekend with his family it is not strange at all to spend weekend... An ultimatum me or any of my friends when they broke up but I to! 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